A man sits on death row. He has exhausted all methods of of appeal and delay. Now he must make peace with the fact that he will die. He must come to terms that on a given date, his life will end with great certainty, lest he go insane. How this convict makes peace with these facts is up to him. But he must accept his circumstance. His death has become an inescapable fact. There is no way to circumvent his situation. A man could easily lose his marbles sitting on death row, but in the interest of keeping his sanity, he must find some way to comfort his mind.

And in the same fashion, I am struggling to make peace with the fact that my chances of meeting a woman I would like to marry are incredibly slim. I must come to terms that in all likelihood, I will end up alone.

It's not so much pessimism. Rather, I must look with clear eyes and a clear heart upon my own circumstances. At least in my own experience, I have a rather unique philosophy. I also hold uncommon values. This in and of itself is not enough to be the sole reason for my loneliness. It is the fact that I demand that, with a few exceptions, the people I surround myself with hold the same values that I do. If not the identical set of values, then similar enough to be compatible.

Then there are another set of circumstances. I work in the security industry, which is vastly comprised of male employees. Even if I felt that it was acceptable to break my professionalism to have a relationship with a woman at work, that isn't much of an option in my case. Finally, there comes my natural tendency to keep to myself. By nature I am very much a loner. Rarely do I seek out the company of others. The activities I enjoy do not require the presence of other people. And the truth is I prefer to have a lot of time to myself. My natural tendencies lean toward that of the lone wolf.

All of these factors contribute to my situation. I am well aware that I can change certain things, such as the field in which I work. I can even change my personality. But being one who believes in the way of the Tao, I do not believe in changing things. I would rather embrace the traits that make me who I am.

So if I am to remain steadfast in my desire to stay true to myself, true to my nature, then I must accept these as inescapable facts, a part of my life that is unchanging. And if all of these factors conclude that I will in all likelihood remain alone, then this is something I must come to terms with as well.

And therein lies the struggle. Nobody wants to hear that they are going to die, just the same that no hopeless romantic wants to hear that they will never find true love and that they will never get married. But being alone is not the same as being lonely. I need only to find satifaction in this situation that defines my life, serenity in seeing and accepting the truth. I need only find solace in my solitude.

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As Penn and Teller once explained, jugglers start as socially aware children who go outside and learn juggling with other children; magicians are misfits who stay in the house and teach themselves magic tricks out of spite. I'm sure we all can see which one I am.

I find myself sinking back into bitterness. I thought that I had instilled in myself several positive attitudes: "To win you must play," "Who dares win," amongst others. However, lately I have been feeling more reclusive...

The comfort and familiarity of loneliness is always there. I don't feel the need to reach out. And who would want to listen to the rantings of a depressing young man? Nobody wants to stay under the gray cloud that hangs over my head. I don't blame them either. I'm fully comfortable in my own little world that consists of magic, deception, and illusion.

I find myself becoming more cynical. I cannot deceive myself any more with the illusion that everything is fine. I feel that life is hollow. I do not feel that the world has meaning. I have come to realize the transience of our world, that nothing is permanent and everything is temporary. If I died tomorrow, I would not regret my death. And that is a scary thought.

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3. Love interests on the big screen Perhaps my exposure to romantic cinema has been limited in scope, but I have yet to come across a movie that truly captures my heart. I have yet to watch...

To walk the earth amongst billions, yet apart, alone. Is it not a fear worthy of worry? To smile warmly and say hello, yet feel emptiness and falsehood. Is it not a fate worthy of avoiding? There is comfort in solitude, but there is only so much happiness derived from oneself...the human spirit yearns to reach out. We are inherently social creatures. There is strength in self-sufficiency, but there is only so much that one can feed on from within.

We all have an inherent need for someone to understand us. Someone who understands us is someone who validates us. They identify us as a human being who exists as a part of society and not someone who merely exists in society. It is exciting to meet that someone who shares the same values that we do and lives the same philosophy that we do. It tells us that we are not alone.

But is there really such a thing as a kindred spirit? Why does it seem to be so difficult to find one? I do not feel as though there are many out there who share my ideals. At heart, I am a romantic. I believe in the mystery and wonder of the world. I do not feel that we should boil everything down to a science, breaking everything down into nuts and bolts and calculating things to the cent. Emerging in popular psychology are scientific studies on love and mate choice, but I do not feel that we can break down a marriage into a matter of one's MHC. I do not feel that we should attribute falling in love to the addiction of serotonin. The magic of love is not a chemical reaction but an emotional connection. Everything is dissected and analyzed with electron microscopes under cold blue fluorescent lights. Our world is quickly turning into one concerned only about the bottom line. Wealth is the defining measure of success. International corporations now wield a great deal of power. They in turn perpetuate the cycle of self-interest.

Society reflects this self-interest. We have become increasingly selfish and isolated. The prevailing mentality is that of egocentrism. To look out for oneself is to be wise, to care for another's welfare is to be a fool. Our own needs are above all others, and we are never wrong. Even with the versatile technology we have today, we are out of touch with one another more so now than ever. We have become obsessed with celebrities because we are no longer close to each other and therefore find the need to talk about someone familiar. I don't care when Britney's next period is, I don't care that Ms. Lohan looked ridiculous coming out of her short jail sentence. It is dehumanizing to see that relatives get together only to talk about who should win on American Idol, who should get fired on The Apprentice, and just how surprised they were to see that man die off in Lost.

There is very little reprieve for intellectuals in this world...more and more romantics are giving up, finding the pressure of society to be too great: fitting in becomes less and less of an option. It is turning into a necessity. Idealists fall and shape themselves to the mold of society, becoming what they expect of them. There are no more great thinkers, no more philosophers. Passion is beat down as obtrusive. There are no more artists, no more inventors. We have become a stagnant race of shapeless people, one personality indistinguishable from the next. We are sheep, our shepherds false.

Perhaps it is not comfort but solace that is found within...perhaps it is not strength but survival that is found from solitude. Loneliness cannot exist externally, for it is created by your own mind. In that case, perhaps I need only to look more carefully. But I suspect that the more deeply I search, the more disappointment I will feel. At least I will be all the more delighted when I find a kindred spirit.

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3. Fantasy of the recluse I will have to, until my very last breath, suffer the idiocy of the insipid and the folly of fools. I want to share with you my fantasy. In this...

I must've had the most restful night of sleep last night: my dreams were vivid and varied. I experienced a wide gamut of emotions. There were little snippets of humor and fun, some scenes of gentle affectionate moments of romance, flashes of anger and violence...and everything else in between. They were little scenes that didn't seem to last very long.

There was a scene that was filled with a childlike sense of fun...there was that feeling of utter and complete freedom, a happiness and joy that was entirely derived from the moment. Bright wide smiles, laughter, an exuberance of playfulness, all of this seeped into every fiber of my being so that I was happy in its most pure form, like that which we can only experience as children.

But one scene was particularly memorable... a smallish woman with black hair that rested just above her shoulders, she was nestling her head against me, her head on my shoulders. I felt the warmth of her breath on my neck, the soft touch of her skin on mine as she her nose sleepily grazed me. It was a scene of complete satisfaction...there is something incredibly simple and fulfilling about having a woman you love by your side. There was no backstory. I did not know if she was my wife or my girlfriend, I did not know if we slept together (probably not). I did not know anything else except that we were there, lying together, sharing a serene moment of a deep appreciation one another...nothing more and nothing less.

My mind has been scattered all over the place for a while now...I am unsure of everything. Nothing is as it seems. I feel like I am wandering through life, in search of structure and order. Yet I am one of fluidity...I do not prefer to live in a structured fashion. It is not discipline that I seek: I have it in abundance. I am living my life a day at a time, and it feels as though I have lost sight of the big picture. What am I driving towards? I know what my goals are and how to achieve them...but they seem so far away. I no longer know how to conduct myself. I've tried different outlooks on life, and none of them have helped me to achieve the desired result. As introverted as one might be, it is only human to have a desire to belong. I do not feel that I belong. I am surrounded by so many people, yet I feel apart from them. I feel alone. And it is not for lack of trying...I thought that perhaps I had found a new connection, but that didn't really pan out. I walk amongst the people, and somehow they find happiness in their life. High school kids, walking home from school...they laugh and talk and have a good time. Young professionals are on their cell phones, having engaging conversations. I haven't had a good intellectual conversation in ages...

Well, off to bake a birthday cake.

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Just a bit of silliness, a writing exercise.

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Complete adoration, pure and simple in its childlike joy. A serenity that is found in the comfort of affection. Perhaps I have lived far too vicariously, for no longer does the glowing sight of such a romance fill the deep hole in my heart; it is becoming a dark and consuming void.

Joy through the vicarious nature of my living is a false and fleeting joy. I observe the happiness, hoping to catch a glimpse of what may be possible in my own life. I see the warmth and the love between two people, and it brings a small light to the darkened hallway of my gloomy mind. I gravitate towards the flicker of light, searching for what my own life may behold. The little warmth I felt, the same as a gnat does landing on the dim bulb, is no longer sufficient. I seek my own bright light, the warmth and joys of a romance that I can call my own. There is the single biggest question that will remain unanswered for what will seem like an eternity: is there someone out there for me? Someone who will love me and adore me as much as I know I am capable of returning? Someone who is and can be as loyal and as devoted as I can be? More importantly, is there someone who I can have such overwhelming feelings of love for? Only in reciprocation can such immensely heart-swelling romances be nourished...

I can only hope that I will feel the radiance of love. But I have no faith in fate or the forces of supreme beings. Patience, thought it may be a virtue, seems to be in short supply. The temporary feelings of happiness that arose when I saw the two finally come together quickly crumbled, giving way to envy and frustration. I seek the same that I observe...perhaps even more, as my heart is unending, a veritable well of love. I wish not to be loved, but first and foremost for my love to be received.

It does not please me to see that, in the recognition of the void in my spirit, I develop feelings that foster a certain darkness. In seeing what is, I see in my own life what is not. And it is this void that aches to be filled...again, the loneliness has returned, a familiar visitor. Perhaps it is time to make it a welcome and permanent guest in the empty house that is my hollow heart.

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1. A random snippet of my life I must’ve had the most restful night of sleep last night: my dreams were vivid and varied. I experienced a wide gamut of emotions. There were little snippets of humor...
2. Still going on dates in a relationship A friend of mine, Luanne, had mentioned that she had not seen her boyfriend (soon to be fiancé, if all turns out well) since he got back from his travels....
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Travis Bickle is someone I can identify with. I often quote him: "Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere." He sees around him, "whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal." That is not so different from the current state of affairs we are in right now.

There is underage drinking, underage sex, and illegal drug consumption. Although teenage sex and pregnancies are supposedly at an all time low, our culture is still full of vice. Children in sixth and seventh grade engage in sexual acts in filthy school bathrooms and dingy stairwells. No longer is promiscuity strictly taboo: rather, it is seen as a freedom from sexual restrictions of days long gone. Young people do drugs. It is casually accepted to smoke marijuana. They go out to clubs and drink copious amounts of alcohol and engage in sexually risky behavior with multiple people, strangers even.

There is a lifestyle of instant gratification. Divorce rates are still hovering at just above 50%. Women wonder why men don't want to commit. Men are wired through evolution to maximize their chances of creating a lasting bloodline. Thusly, their prerogative is to procreate as much as possible. However, I suspect that, though their number is small, there are more evolved men who are, to paraphrase Mark Wahlberg in an article I assimilated through osmosis and therefore cannot recall precisely, "not commitment-phobic, just divorce-phobic." However, for most people, I suspect that marriages fall apart mainly for two reasons. They do not work towards maintaining the relationship, or they expect that instance of love and warmth to last forever magically and effortlessly.

Perhaps it is the same likeness between myself and Travis in that we feel the same loneliness. The world just doesn't sit right with us. Everywhere we turn is someone or something that is sick, weak, dare I say sinful?

Perhaps I come off as arrogant, or elitist. If it means being alone until I find the quality people to involve myself with, then I would be glad to accept the badge of "arrogant prick." This is the strength of doing the right thing. I choose not to dilute myself in order to find some semblance of conformity or acceptance. Travis just took it too far and went on a killing spree.

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