Sentenced to loneliness

I am alone…I’m not lonely.
Neil McCauley, Heat

A man sits on death row. He has exhausted all methods of of appeal and delay. Now he must make peace with the fact that he will die. He must come to termsthat on a given date, his life will end with great certainty, lest he go insane. How this convict makes peace with these facts is up to him. But he must accept his circumstance. His death has become an inescapable fact. There is no way to circumvent his situation. A man could easily lose his marbles sitting on death row, but in the interest of keeping his sanity, he must find some way to comfort his mind.

And in the same fashion, I am struggling to make peace with the fact that my chances of meeting a woman I would like to marry are incredibly slim. I must come to terms that in all likelihood, I will end up alone.

It’s not so much pessimism. Rather, I must look with clear eyes and a clear heart upon my own circumstances. At least in my own experience, I have a rather unique philosophy. I also hold uncommon values. This in and of itself is not enough to be the sole reason for my loneliness. It is the fact that I demand that, with a few exceptions, the people I surround myself with hold the same values that I do. If not the identical set of values, then similar enough to be compatible.Then there are another set of circumstances. I work in the security industry, which is vastly comprised of male employees. Even if I felt that it was acceptable to break my professionalism to have a relationship with a woman at work, that isn’t much of an option in my case. Finally, there comes my natural tendency to keep to myself. By nature I am very much a loner. Rarely do I seek out the company of others. The activities I enjoy do not require the presence of other people. And the truth is I prefer to have a lot of time to myself. My natural tendencies lean toward that of the lone wolf.All of these factors contribute to my situation. I am well aware that I can change certain things, such as the field in which I work. I can even change my personality. But being one who believes in the way of the Tao, I do not believe in changing things. I would rather embrace the traits that make me who I am.

So if I am to remain steadfast in my desire to stay true to myself, true to my nature, then I must accept these as inescapable facts, a part of my life that is unchanging. And if all of these factors conclude that I will in all likelihood remain alone, then this is something I must come to terms with as well.

And therein lies the struggle. Nobody wants to hear that they are going to die, just the same that no hopeless romantic wants to hear that they will never find true love and that they will never get married. But being alone is not the same as being lonely. I need only to find satifaction in this situation that defines my life, serenity in seeing and accepting the truth. I need only find solace in my solitude.

  • Aww, don't be discouraged. I thought I would never find the one for me. I work at home, I'm strange, I'm not like anyone I've ever met…
    …and now, I am married.
    There is someone for everyone.

  • Ms. Fitzgerald, I would like to thank you for your sentiments. I'm happy for you, I really am…and that phrase, "I'm not like anyone I've ever met…", that's a phrase I have an intimate understanding with.

    I see that you're a writer as well. Well, as writers, we deal in stories. So naturally I'm interested in your story: how did you meet the man you decided to spend the rest of your life with?

  • steve

    Is your writing an attempt to find solace in your solitude?

    Which do you desire more: Writing the next great novel or finding a wife?