Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I was inspired to write this piece after listening to the latest podcast from Stuck in the ‘80s.

As Neil Sedaka said, breaking up is hard to do. I’ve never had a girl­friend, not in the tradi­tional sense. My rela­tionship with Malissa was rocky at best (stay tuned in the next couple of months, it’s a long story to tell and a long one to write). There was always that promise of some­thing wonderful, and it’s why I hung in there. But that one fateful autumn night two years ago, I received an email that caused me to instantly pick my phone up and give Malissa a call. She was crying and sobbing during the entire phone call…and I remember feeling hollow and numb. I remember hearing the bad news, the implicit break-up. I remember the emptiness…I never cried about it. Often­times, I wish I could cry about it. I don’t think I have ever found closure regarding ‘the Malissa incident’. And even to this day, I cannot feel anything from those times. I try to force myself to do so, in a vain attempt push myself towards an emotional and psycho­logical resolution…but to this day I have not achieved that.

I have yet to expe­rience the full brunt of the disso­lution of a fully engaged romance. I believe the reason I was able to essen­tially walk away from Malissa unscathed (or did I?) was because we were never truly in a rela­tionship by tradi­tional stan­dards. Things were compli­cated by her struggle with various issues on her end, and we never “consum­mated” the relationship…we never made real the bond we shared, the connection we both felt. We almost did reach that tipping point this one summer day. But like most things in my life, it didn’t quite work out.

It sounds foolish, but I want to go through a break-up. A break-up doesn’t hurt if you never cared about that person. To feel that pain means that I would’ve held in my heart joys and memories worthy of crying over. I want to see what I am made of, emotionally that is. Have I become an unfeeling, or do I have socio­pathic tendencies? Am I even capable of mourning? These ques­tions I cannot answer: I have yet to test my mettle. Breaking up is a part of life, but it’s one thing that I’ve never had to deal with yet.