Self-inflicted conundrum

After a little Twitter conver­sation about dating, I found myself thinking: what kind of ridiculous conundrum have I gotten myself into? You see, I do not believe in approaching a woman based on her looks. There are more than enough attractive women out there. These women were blessed by her genetics. Beauty is not a moti­vation for me to approach. I am far more inter­ested in a woman’s person­ality and intellect.

That is not to say that I am not attracted to women on a physical level. To para­phrase a little bit of Kung Fu wisdom, to deny one’s nature and impulses is to give them a strength far greater than any man can resist. On the same token, I recognize that physical attraction is only physical attraction.

Last night, I was visiting some friends for a late dinner. It would be the first time I went to their new home in Brooklyn. As any self-respecting gentleman would do, I would not go there empty-handed. I had already placed an order for a flourless chocolate cake at The Chocolate Room. I thought that it would also be nice if I gave them a gift basket along with the dessert. A lady who I guessed was the manager helped me put together that gift basket. I found her attractive: she had dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, and I suppose I found her to be beau­tiful, though it may be a misleading adjective consid­ering its common usage. As I’ve repeated many times before, I am unaf­fected by the stam­mering that usually accom­panies most men’s exposure to beau­tiful women. In any case, it occurred to me that if I were some average guy, I would act on this thought and ask her on a date.

But I am not an average guy. I’m wired differ­ently and have a different set of beliefs than most people. My actions and behavior are not governed by some prehis­toric evolu­tionary impulses. I thought to myself, why should I ask this woman out on a date? Why should I spend time and money on her? As attractive as I thought she was, it felt absurd to ask her. I knew nothing about her except that she was attractive and, from her body language and non-verbal cues, was probably uncon­sciously attracted to me, at least to the point where she would not outright reject any dating proposals from me. What woman in her right mind can resist an impec­cably dressed young man who exudes confi­dence, one in a bespoke suit no less?

Ha ha ha, I jest, I would not presume to be so arrogant. Anyway, let’s assume I did ask this lady out. If she did any thinking what­soever, she would wonder why I asked her out. And there is only one reason: because she is an attractive woman. Under that assumption, I would presumably be quite a shallow individual.

As friend and frequent commenter Gary says, the world of online dating seems to magnify people’s already shallow natures. He suggested that I take a stand against all of that nonsense by dating “in real life”. But therein lies the conundrum: it is against my personal code of conduct to approach a woman based on her looks. I only make the decision to engage in any semblance of romantic pursuit once I know some­thing about her: where she is from, what she believes in…the important things that make up a real connection. On the Internet, I have the luxury of at least gleaning some infor­mation from a prospective date’s profile. I do not move forward with any sort of commu­ni­cation, be it a wink or flir­tation, unless there is genuine moti­vation and interest.

So what am I to do? I’m damned if I stick to my guns: how will I ever get to know a girl unless I approach her? But according to my self-imposed set of rules, why would I approach at all unless I knew some­thing about her?

I suppose that I could dial down my intensity…I have a tendency to take things seri­ously. By nature, I feel more than others do. Would it be so bad to casually ask a girl to accompany me for a movie? In the “normal” world, it would be more than acceptable. It’s my own damned philosophy that prevents me from doing some­thing like that. We are our own harshest critics, and in this case, I must say harsh is an accurate adjective. I’m just not used to doing things without a moti­vation. I’m not the type of guy who just dicks around and talks a lot of bullshit. I’m more of the focused type, occa­sionally driven. I have a particular economy of motion, both phys­i­cally and emotionally. I do not expend my energy on anything that does not add to my life. Some people call it taking things too seri­ously, others call it focused or intense, I call it the cliché of artist types who wear black.

It never occurred to me that I could just simply ask a girl out to a movie, if for no other reason than for compan­ionship and a shared interest, no matter that it’s only a passing and insignif­icant common interest. I suppose it’s time to reframe and try a different route. Time to improvise, adapt, and overcome.