Would you date yourself?

This blog post is inspired by @Natalia7Munoz‘s retweet: Just had someone present a very powerful question in regards to relationships, “Would you date yourself?” Would you?

It’s a very interestingquestion that invites a much deeper discussion than first meets the eye. Would I date myself?

Self-love and “I’m so awesome” jokes aside, it is something that I have thought about. You see, my history and my past is not exactly one of lollipops and roses. I would say that my life has been tinged by sadness and colored in darkness. My childhood was not a happy one. The relationship I have with my parents is strained. It is not simply an old memory that I have simply cast away. Rather, one might call it baggage. A large piece of it at that.

Most of the ladies I’ve went on dates with never did express any childhood unhappiness. I know, maybe they’re just being guarded on a first date, or too polite to expose this baggage. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I spilled my guts to my date either. But I of course truthfully expressed (when asked) that my household was not exactly the model of a happy childhood. I know, nobody has a perfect childhood…but it is certain that some of us have had a far more painful one than others. One girl I went out with said, “I had a great childhood! I was a happy kid.” She had such a genuine warmth and happy brilliance that seemed to sparkle from her amber eyes that I couldn’t imagine that anything bad had happened to her. And from what I could gather about her psychology, I believed her.After coming home from that date, I realized that while I could imagine being happy with that cheery girl, I probably would prefer to be with someone who knows what it is like to have gone through a psychologically painful and tortured childhood. So to answer the question posed in this post’s title, yes, I would date myself. I believe I’d get along better with someone who has had similar life experiences. In fact, it is one of the reasons I felt such a chemistry with Malissa. You know, that girl I keep talking about…I suppose you could say that she’s “the one who got away”. Anyway, Malissa’s relationship with her mother was strikingly similar to the relationship I had with my father. I found that I was drawn to her because she too carried this pain with her. We were both family oriented people, and to suffer through a damaged relationship with one of our parents is rather hurtful.Because I feel like I would be happiest with someone who is similar to myself, I wonder very much about the validity of the idea that opposites attract. @dagmarlamp had explained to me a while ago about why a light-hearted girl would want to be with a serious guy. And as right as she was, I am still not convinced of how ideal arelationshipbased on opposites would be. Of course I’m viewing this in a narcissistic way, applying these views to myself and only myself: I don’t presume to paint with such broad strokes, not today anyway.

I fear though that I may fall into the trap of being attracted to damaged personalities. In my life, it seems as though I seem to come across all the crazies, even when I’m not looking for them. Flakers and crazies are seemingly the only type of women I meet or stumble across. It makes sense in an odd way that I would gravitate towards these types…misery begets misery, and those who have suffered through certain traumas can only identify with those who share such misfortune. And though I am far too self-aware to become the white-knight savior type, I also have a very protective nature. These factors could lend itself to my seeming preference for “girls with issues”, so to speak.

Of course I appreciate the light-hearted girl who says cute things and makes funny jokes and knows how to lift my spirits. I just wonder how deeply she can understand who I am and what makes me the way I am. Would I even want her to see the darkness? My darkness? Despite my trusting and hopeful nature, I have a hard edge tempered by the tough realities of a world full of wickedness. But do I want to be with a woman who is much like myself, or more pure and untouched by the poisons of the world?

In all of this lies what is probably a fear of being with someone who invalidates my views of the world…so perhaps it is not so much that I prefer a woman who is like myself, but has the capacity to understand me. The same way a vampire in some romance novel might have a desire for the comforts of a woman’s compassion and her understanding of the internal conflict tearing away inside him, I wish for the companionship of a woman who comprehends my soul that is never at rest. In the darkest moments of my thoughts, I long for a woman who sees me for who I am: a nomad in society. Sometimes, I feel as though I had somehow angered God in some way so that he would assign me the same fate as Cain, to wander the earth forever. During those long hollow moments of solitude, I pine for a kindred soul.

I know that emptiness and what it means to fill it…so yes, I would date a woman who was afflicted with the same tragedies and dramas that filled my life. I am not drawn towards those whose lives are picture perfect, but to those who have known the depths and heights of human emotion. I suppose that while some may prefer the excitement of things unknown, I enjoy the familiar. The real question, the more important one, is whether or not two people who are very alike in personality and disposition are compatible.

Now…time to go schedule an appointment with a therapist…

  • N

    There are people I know that can't exactly empathize with my emptiness or misery, and I can never see myself becoming close to them.

  • S

    You put into words what I wish she had discovered about me on her own. Someone who knew her, knew what was torturing her but wanted her to open herself to me when she was ready and see that I was the same.

  • WWG

    I'd like to point out that these thoughts might explain a large portion of your "White Knight" post. Perhaps you're attracted to "damaged" women BECAUSE you're looking for someone similar to you. In that case, it's what you need.

    WWG

  • Hmm…I think you're quite right on that point.