Speed dating is destructive

Speed dating is a ritual in which people have anywhere from three to ten minutes to engage in conver­sation. Men and women come together for the sole purpose of meeting for a date. A common setup involves the women sitting along the edge of circular seating arrangement or against the wall. The men will rotate amongst the women and a whistle or bell rings, signaling the beginning of the short “date”.

More often than not, there is no pressure for the woman to accept or reject the suitor right there on the spot, saving face for both parties. Rather, everyone has a name badge and a number, and preferred matches are discreetly selected on a piece of paper. At the end of the event, mutual matches are hooked up. Speed dating is effi­cient and you have a greater chance of meeting the man or woman of your dreams. Sounds good right?

Horseshit.

There are many people out there who will preach the benefits of speed dating. It’s less time consuming, it’s more effective in terms of actually getting a date, there is no risk of outright rejection, blah blah blah. I think this is nonsense. One should take care in the process of dating. I believe in first impres­sions. I am aware of the scien­tific studies that give speed dating the appearance of being a cure of being single. But what is it about our society nowadays that we feel the need to make snap judg­ments about people in this way? What happened to a slow romance and courtship? Whatever happened to a guy and a girl who started out as just friends, and one day found out they were perfect for each other? These kinds of rela­tion­ships are beau­tiful, and I find them much more pleasing than the need for this myste­rious instant attraction that has pervaded our society. Love at first sight is all well and good, and it can happen. But I believe that those reac­tions are based largely on physical attributes. How the hell can you tell if John’s got a great sense of humor by looking at him? How can you tell if Ben is a kind and caring man after talking to him for five minutes? We all like to think that we can figure someone out in those five minutes, but the truth of the matter is that although we all thin-slice, these snap judg­ments can be very wrong and very inac­curate. First impres­sions are important, but many people put too much stock in them.

Human beings are complex crea­tures. Maybe you can figure someone out over ten years (even then, from time to time you’d be surprised about some­thing you didn’t know about your partner), but you cannot do it in ten minutes. Most of us have a surprising amount of depth and sophis­ti­cation. We are not single dimension beings but marvelously layered and inter­esting people. A first impression is like the shadow of a person: it is repre­sen­tative of their shape, but it can be and often is distorted. Spending time to get to know someone will give you a silhouette of that person. That profile more closely resembles them than does a shadow on the wall. With time, you will find the right shapes and colors to use to paint a clearer picture of them.

I am an incredibly intu­itive person, and I am a good judge of char­acter. I am accurate more often than not. However, it’s not because I’m psychic. It’s simply because I keep my eyes open and my ears tuned in. When I meet someone, I size them up and form a rough profile. As time goes on, infor­mation I glean from them gets added to the profile. Most people only rely on the first impression and stay there. Unfor­tu­nately, most people get caught up in that shadow and it is the only thing that they remember. The more infor­mation and knowledge you have, the more accurate your impression will be.

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