I was strolling along with my friend Linda this cool summer evening. As usual, she had much to say, and much of it revealing. She had mentioned her friend, who has been dating for ten years now. One might find her to be a veteran of matters of the heart, or at the very least a weathered and experienced soldier on the battlefield of love (yeah, laugh it up, that’s pretty cheesy). Anyway, one weekend when she was at some upstate cabin with her girlfriends, she made an extremely disheartening discovery: all of them had at some point cheated on their significant other. One was even about to get married to the man she cheated on.
Linda put it best when she repeated a saying, “It’s not if they’re going to cheat, it’s when they’re going to cheat.” Perhaps it is this simple statement that will finalize my giving up on searching for true love.
It is true that monogamy is incredibly rare in the animal kingdom. I believe that penguins are one of the very few creatures capable of such loyalty and dedication. It appears that popular evolutionary science has laid claim that monogamy may be counterproductive. Some theories claim that females will attract alpha males to breed with while having a male of lower status provide for and raise the offspring. Other theories say that infidelity is really just a way of diversifying our gene pool. However, I feel that all of these absurdities are based on assumptions of a particular type of “natural man”, or man and woman at their most basic and animal compulsions. These theories give the impression that humans are not a species capable of monogamy.
And I am inclined to agree. Although I would like to believe that humans are transcendent enough to ignore such prehistoric impulses, it would probably be naïve of me to do so. It seems amazing enough to me that human race has gone from the Neanderthal to the high-tech people we are today. If we can invent electricity, wireless communications, and travel to other planets, why can’t we learn how to keep our pants on?
It makes me wonder whether or not I should pursue the ever elusive everlasting love that Carl Carlton describes. I know I am most capable of giving it. I’m the type of person who is reliable and rock solid. Perhaps predictable in some ways. For example, if I see a pair of shoes that I like, I purchase it in triplicate. Shirts, undershirts, boxer shorts, socks, sweaters, jeans…if I find something I like, I stick with it. I feel the same way about women.
Yes, there will always be that thought in your head, “What if?” Could the grass be greener on the other side? Well, actually, not for me. If I’m happy with what I’ve got, I see no reason to change it. Changing it up means a risk of losing what I already have. Yes, I do take risks, but they are measured risks, calculated so that my decision will more than likely yield improvements.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
You know, I heard kiwis stay in it for 20 years. But maybe it’s because they all look the same so they can’t tell the difference. Hrm.
@Zoey: How do you mean?
My, what a pessimist. I will assume given your brief post about the evolutionary theories as to why infidelity exists that you are intimately familiar with them. And I will not go into depth about them at all.
I am more concerned about your take on the matter. The truth of the matter is, from statistics, is that infidelity is near a coin flip. The highest values are around 60 percent and 40 percent for men and women respectively. The more conservative values give around 40 to 30 percent, respectively.
Now, you probably don’t care too much about the rates for males, so I will explain how the most conservative value is acquired. The most conservative value is from genetic testing for genetic defects in children. Thirty percent of the children do not belong to the father. The father is tested of course.
This information should be more empowering than it is depressing, since you seem to think your chances are virtually non-existent.
Have fun, and I hope lady luck on your side.
Thank you Dark Matter for your readership and your sentiments.
You say that infidelity is nearly a coin flip. Even at the more conservative value of thirty percent, it is unsettling. Thirty percent is only the likelihood of me raising a child that is not mine. General infidelity, without pregnancy, is still a great possibility.
I have always found the discrepancy between male and female statistics for infidelity confusing. If 60 percent of males cheat, does that mean that the 40 percent of females are sleeping with those 60 percent? This is the way I see it.
Take ten men and ten women. Six of those men cheat on their wives. Six of those men have slept with at least one of these ten women. If four of those women have cheated on their husbands, then these four will have slept with six of the men. That means simplistically at least one of these women have slept with more than one other man (other than her husband).
I don’t know where I’m going with that, so I’ll just leave it alone.
Statistics don’t matter too much to me though. Statistically, driving around in an automobile is quite dangerous. Statistically, I’ll never win the lotto. Statistically, at least one of my female friends will be sexually assaulted. I acknowledge the validity of statistics, but I also take it with a grain of salt.
For example, I meet a girl in a bar. She’s been hitting on most of the guys. She’s very physically affectionate. I learn that she’s a thrill seeker. She’s very experimental and she is very liberal. When I am talking with her, her eye flickers to every tall handsome man that walks in.
Statistics may say that she “most likely” will not cheat on me. But everything else says that she will. Thirty percent is not a chance I would like to take.
I’m a little scatterbrained, but overall, I will remain a little guarded and a little cautious. I will use all of my powers of observation to my advantage. I must, because I cannot afford to give myself so completely to someone that could so easily hurt me so deeply. Infidelity is never going away, and one should always be aware of such possibilities. Just not so cautious as to become unable to fall in love. Now that is something I must beware of.
“I have always found the discrepancy between male and female statistics for infidelity confusing. If 60 percent of males cheat, does that mean that the 40 percent of females are sleeping with those 60 percent? This is the way I see it.”
Um, no. People who cheat tend to cheat with single people. I believe a survey showed that about thirty-forty percent of women have had some sort of relationship with an attached man. Also sometimes the partners in crime are serial hunters for men in relationships. Some women don’t know that the man they are seeing is married or attached. That aside some men cheat with prostitutes or escorts in which case there would be a small percentage of women helping many men cheat. Sometimes, it isn’t even completely physical cheating that is counted but emotional cheating.
It is accepted that people are sexual beings, and can get aroused by others. I don’t see the problem with looking at others, it is a fact people do so in relationships, but it doesn’t mean they will cheat. If they look and don’t do anything then it is okay. I believe it is unrealistic to assume they will not look, it is a subconscious attraction. Normally, extremely jealous and insecure people have problems with this.
Dark Matter,
The statistics don’t matter to me. I will not discuss any further about statistics because they are inherently unreliable due to dishonesty and the lack of disclosure. Furthermore, statistics and number are notoriously prone to manipulation. Instead, I will believe what I see. Infidelity is ultimately something that will exist for as long as humans do. However, I do take great pride in my self-control and discipline in the area of sexual compulsions, or compulsions in general.
As for your comment about looking, I don’t know where that came from. I don’t believe I made any comments about looking. But I will say this: I know from experience that I do not look when I am in love. I accept very willingly that others will do so. But I do not. If you want to call it discipline, being transcendent, whatever it is, I do not feel the desire to look at other women when my heart is full of love for my own woman. I have the strength to be fully committed and loyal on every level, and it is only fair that I seek someone with the same passion that I am capable of. I will not settle for anything less.
Thank you for your thoughts.