Malissa was my first love. I thought that she was absolutely amazing…I am a romantic and an idealist. That pretty much screams the hopeless part of hopeless romantic. I didn’t know just where we would end up, but I did know that I wanted to be with her. Every moment I spent with her felt right. Though mature, we were both two very young people…she a mere eighteen years, and I twenty. Even in this early adulthood, I knew what I wanted…and what I wanted was her. But this is not a story of my found and lost love. That’ll come in another article, far more for cathartic reasons for anyone else.
I only had the chance to share with her my first poem…the others were hidden away in the pages of my Moleskine. I wonder to myself…what if I fought harder to keep her? What if I hadn’t done what I did? I know deep inside that she is my first love, but more importantly, it was a true love. I loved her despite her many glaring flaws…I loved her despite her not being able to give me more. She admitted that she wasn’t in a state to give to me so deeply in ways that I could give to her. But I didn’t care…I didn’t need her to sustain my love. I didn’t need her to be mindful of me, to be concerned for me. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to hold her and take away her pain. I was deeply in love with her. I had so much passion inside my heart, but I had to hold it back because I didn’t feel that I had the right to do otherwise.
But what if I didn’t? What if I showed her just how crazy I was about her? What if I had confessed my love, revealed the depth of my feelings to her? Perhaps then I would’ve been able to win her heart. Damn the pick-up artists…I was so disillusioned by their nonsense. I should have either applied all of their teachings or none at all. I withheld some of the warmth and caring I felt towards her. I should’ve stuck with my usual modus operandi: “All in or nothing at all.” Well, either way, I’m sure things turned out for the better.
Following are the poems I wrote for her.
Each incredibly unique
Floating in the vastness of the sky
And somehow, drifting in the wind
We found each other
The sun will rise and the wind will blow
Clouds drift and oceans roll
The moon gets full and night time falls
Silence falls upon us all
As sure as blue is sky and red is rose
My heart beats and my love grows
The sun rises high, bright and early
I awake, my winged heart beats
Morning dew caresses the blades of grass
I desire her touch
Daybreak invites the birds, singing their song
I long to hear her voice
Rays of daylight simmer, warming the air
I miss her gentle smile
The sun departs and the moon arrives
My heart longs for her now
The same as it will tomorrow