This morning, I stayed in my bed dreaming. Sometimes I can figure out why I dream about the things I do. But this time, I dreamt about Malissa. There was nothing really to have triggered such thoughts.I hadn’t watched any romantic movies, or had any romantic thoughts. Why then did I have this dream? I find this particular dream to be so out of place especially because it was so emotional. I was sure beyond a doubt that I was over her. She has long since been but a memory, nothing more than something in my past. I haven’t had the feeling of the fluttering of my heart for a long time…and why should I? After all, I am not in love with anyone.
There was a brief phase in which I felt as though it were terribly hopeless that I was single. I wasn’t so much as desperate as I was depressed. It was very brief. Those feelings faded away. In time, I made peace with being single. Instead, I noticed how happy I was when I went to the theater. I noticed how happy I was when I sat in the mall and wrote a couple of pages in my screenplay. I noticed how content I was to be playing Spore for hours on end, shaping my military civilization. I noticed how content I was when I cooked dinner for myself. I realized that I was mostly satisfied with my life as it was at the moment.So it was certainly unexpected when I began dreaming of Malissa. It was incredibly involved and emotional. I had apparently found her again and we were close. We were intimate. We were holding hands and we shared a life together. We were both curious. We both had the world in front of us, and we wanted to explore it. Malissa was mentally well and I was so…deeply grateful. I was with the woman I loved, and finally she was capable of returning that love. I’ll be honest…this is one of the few things in life that touches me so deeply that it can bring tears to my eyes. And when I awoke, it did. I was intrinsically affected by the dream. I felt the swelling of my heart. I felt that love again, even thought it was just a dream. And then I startedfeelingwhat I had lost.That is one thing I have been concerned with. I’m not sure if I am have become one of those people who have had their heart broken and as a result developed a thick armor around their heart. I am not sure if I am becoming guarded with my emotions. But then again, I can not say with any certainty for I have yet to meet a girl that I am seriously interested in.
There in lies the paradox. Am I not allowing myself to develop feelings for anyone? Perhaps I am looking for love in the wrong ways? I certainly shouldn’t expect to have such a strong initial attraction. Malissa wrote The Purity of Love, the words that first created that strong initial attraction. I read it again and I realized that it was a glimpse into her soul (I’m sure I’ve already said that somewhere in this blog). And it was because of that glimpse that I saw that we connected on many levels: romantically, emotionally, ideologically.
And there is no way for me to find that. Not really. What am I going to do, ask my potential dates to write me a three paragraph summary of what is in your heart and soul? I still am trying to figure out just what it was that made me fall in love. When it happened. Perhaps with that knowledge I will be able to better understand myself. With that knowledge, I will be able to guide myself towards a healthier mindset. And finally, with that knowledge, I will gain even more control over my emotions.
There is a conflict within me. I seek intimacy and vulnerability. But the question that remains is whether or not I will be too scared to let my guard down when the opportunity comes. Or whether or not I will even let that opportunity to come.
All in good time. Some people turn to God or the Bible. Some people turn to ice cream or cake icing. Well, for me, my Magic 8-Ball says I’m good to go. It’s never been right, not that I could tell. But it comforts me nonetheless.