A random snippet of my life

I must’ve had the most restful night of sleep last night: my dreams were vivid and varied. I expe­ri­enced a wide gamut of emotions. There were little snippets of humor and fun, some scenes of gentle affec­tionate moments of romance, flashes of anger and violence…and every­thing else in between. They were little scenes that didn’t seem to last very long.

There was a scene that was filled with a childlike sense of fun…there was that feeling of utter and complete freedom, a happiness and joy that was entirely derived from the moment. Bright wide smiles, laughter, an exuberance of play­fulness, all of this seeped into every fiber of my being so that I was happy in its most pure form, like that which we can only expe­rience as children.

But one scene was partic­u­larly memo­rable… a smallish woman with black hair that rested just above her shoulders, she was nestling her head against me, her head on my shoulders. I felt the warmth of her breath on my neck, the soft touch of her skin on mine as she her nose sleepily grazed me. It was a scene of complete satisfaction…there is some­thing incredibly simple and fulfilling about having a woman you love by your side. There was no back­story. I did not know if she was my wife or my girl­friend, I did not know if we slept together (probably not). I did not know anything else except that we were there, lying together, sharing a serene moment of a deep appre­ci­ation one another…nothing more and nothing less.

My mind has been scat­tered all over the place for a while now…I am unsure of every­thing. Nothing is as it seems. I feel like I am wandering through life, in search of structure and order. Yet I am one of fluidity…I do not prefer to live in a struc­tured fashion. It is not disci­pline that I seek: I have it in abun­dance. I am living my life a day at a time, and it feels as though I have lost sight of the big picture. What am I driving towards? I know what my goals are and how to achieve them…but they seem so far away. I no longer know how to conduct myself. I’ve tried different outlooks on life, and none of them have helped me to achieve the desired result. As intro­verted as one might be, it is only human to have a desire to belong. I do not feel that I belong. I am surrounded by so many people, yet I feel apart from them. I feel alone. And it is not for lack of trying…I thought that perhaps I had found a new connection, but that didn’t really pan out. I walk amongst the people, and somehow they find happiness in their life. High school kids, walking home from school…they laugh and talk and have a good time. Young profes­sionals are on their cell phones, having engaging conver­sa­tions. I haven’t had a good intel­lectual conver­sation in ages…

Well, off to bake a birthday cake.