I must’ve had the most restful night of sleep last night: my dreams were vivid and varied. I experienced a wide gamut of emotions. There were little snippets of humor and fun, some scenes of gentle affectionate moments of romance, flashes of anger and violence…and everything else in between. They were little scenes that didn’t seem to last very long.

There was a scene that was filled with a childlike sense of fun…there was that feeling of utter and complete freedom, a happiness and joy that was entirely derived from the moment. Bright wide smiles, laughter, an exuberance of playfulness, all of this seeped into every fiber of my being so that I was happy in its most pure form, like that which we can only experience as children.

But one scene was particularly memorable… a smallish woman with black hair that rested just above her shoulders, she was nestling her head against me, her head on my shoulders. I felt the warmth of her breath on my neck, the soft touch of her skin on mine as she her nose sleepily grazed me. It was a scene of complete satisfaction…there is something incredibly simple and fulfilling about having a woman you love by your side. There was no backstory. I did not know if she was my wife or my girlfriend, I did not know if we slept together (probably not). I did not know anything else except that we were there, lying together, sharing a serene moment of a deep appreciation one another…nothing more and nothing less.My mind has been scattered all over the place for a while now…I am unsure of everything. Nothing is as it seems. I feel like I am wandering through life, in search of structure and order. Yet I am one of fluidity…I do not prefer to live in a structured fashion. It is not discipline that I seek: I have it in abundance. I am living my life a day at a time, and it feels as though I have lost sight of the big picture. What am I driving towards? I know what my goals are and how to achieve them…but they seem so far away. I no longer know how to conduct myself. I’ve tried different outlooks on life, and none of them have helped me to achieve the desired result. As introverted as one might be, it is only human to have a desire to belong. I do not feel that I belong. I am surrounded by so many people, yet I feel apart from them. I feel alone. And it is not for lack of trying…I thought that perhaps I had found a new connection, but that didn’t really pan out. I walk amongst the people, and somehow they find happiness in their life. High school kids, walking home from school…they laugh and talk and have a good time. Young professionals are on their cell phones, having engaging conversations. I haven’t had a good intellectual conversation in ages…Well, off to bake a birthday cake.