Well, it’s a funny thing, but I found my inspiration in Vault Boyhere, mascot of one of the greatest games ever made, Fallout. This fellow was sitting on my desk next to my watch and speaker control pod. I noticed the humongous grin he had, stretching ear to ear. Feeling aggressive and depressed, I stared him straight in his beady black eyes and asked him, “What the fuck are you smiling about?”
Seeing his smile actually made me smile and somehow, I felt a little happier. Then it got me thinking about the Vault and all that other nonsense. Being stranded in a desert wasteland, trekking across dangerous lands trying to find your father, that kind of thing. Which reminds me, I could roleplay as Kwai Chang Caine. I know, Kwai Chang was trying to find his brother, but still. Anyway…where was I? Oh yeah, desolation. I don’t know. I need some kind of goal. They say that games are fun because of challenging but attainable goals. If I had some kind of adventure, things would be a lot more exciting. Things are kind of a grind, and my adventure is years and years away.Luanne had mentioned while discussing my suicidal thoughts that you can’t save the world and that you can only made things better a person at a time. That you’re not a superhero, that you’re only one person. And it got me thinking about The Dark Knight. The movie resonated with me on a deep level. It portrayed Bruce Wayne as a lone guardian of the city. He is one who does what is right, what is necessary. He seeks neither fame nor fortune, neither the recognition nor the credit of all the good that he does. He is alone in his crusade. I operate in the same way: doing the right thing, even though there is no reward and nobody but you will know it. I never seek recognition or praise. I am driven by an inner desire to make the moral decision at each junction of my life. I also carry that loneliness with me. Perhaps a touch of that cynicism as well.
I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m not saying I’m a superhero. But as a character, I identified with him. It brought to attention some things about myself that I didn’t really give much thought about. I started to think, what if I could be a superhero? Yeah, it’s absurd. But it made me see that what I seek in life is a goal in the scale of a grander perspective. Making a difference, doing something that will affect other people’s lives, even, dare I say, a noble pursuit? I couldn’t imagine walking into an office, taking the same left, right, and another right turn to sit in my cubicle for forty hours a week, pounding away at my keyboard, logging millions of keystrokes and thousands of miles on my mouse.
I’ve come to realize that I am a big picture thinker, and I see now that what motivates me is the feeling that I am contributing to a “greater good.” With that understanding, it’s only a matter of finding my place in this world now.