I took a very refreshing walk with Luanne today. I absolutely love the cold, as long as I’m properly equipped: long coat, scarf, gloves, I’m good to go. It really made me feel alive. Breathing in the sharpness of the cold air, the wind whisking past my reddened ears…I could stand out in this weather for hours. Luanne on the other hand could barely feel her fingers, despite all her layers. I guess I have better circulation: all I had underneath my long coat was a dress shirt.I had mistakenly mentioned my suicidal thoughts to Luanne in an email I had written to her. Or perhaps Freud would interpret that as not a mistake but an unconscious call for help. Either way, the topic came up when I was talking with her during our walk.The conversation was fruitless, my mind unchanged. It was what I expected. People have very predictable avenues of discussion when talking about suicide. They will often say how much there is to live for. They will note how others have it worse, how there are people less fortunate: those with medical conditions, disabilities, financial difficulties, all of that crap. I’ve heard the same from many others. Not that I don’t appreciate her efforts, she’s a wonderful friend God bless her. And I know most people don’t understand how to deal with suicidal people. At times, I wish I didn’t have such an intuitive grasp of psychology. I know what it is I need, and when you have to say to yourself, “Suicide is not an option, all I need is sympathy,” it sounds rather pathetic. I would prefer to be ignorant of the reasons and motivations, it makes it all more bearable.
I was thinking about going into the specific reasons why I went down the path of suicide. Then I realized that it wasn’t so much a list of reasons why but an amalgamation of emotions and views about the world on a whole. Specifying particular arguments is asinine: each of those arguments are debatable and is accompanied with an opposingviewpoint.Suicide is not a logical choice, it is an emotional movement guided by prolonged periods of pain, intense loneliness, the feeling of isolation…I feel that the world is a place of darkness, the pain only dulled briefly with distractions of entertainment. That was the reason I couldn’t really debate my position with Luanne.
I had posted about my suicidal thoughts in greater detail, but took it down from public view down because I felt that it was too disturbing, particularly the photo I had taken. If for some reason one were interested in reading it, one only has to register for an account.
I had taken deep consideration in committing suicide. Some say it’s a selfish act, and I can agree. But I think for someone who’s always put others ahead of himself, it’s one thing that I can do that is purely for myself. There were some things to take into consideration though. It wouldn’t be very nice to just go and kill myself around Thanksgiving. What a disastrous family gathering that would be. Or perhaps it would be nice. You see, people never appreciate anything until its gone, so perhaps my leave of this world would make an appropriate statement at Thanksgiving…
Then there’s Christmas right around the corner, and that’s not such a great thing to do to people either. Within a week or so of Christmas is Luanne’s birthday. Then I’ve got a two month window before my father’s birthday, almost another two months between that and my brother’s birthday. Goddamn it, Mother’s day is after that. I suppose then it would have to be around the summertime. I think it’s as a good time to go as any other, considering how I hate the heat as it is.
But here I am, rambling yet again. I suppose what I mean to say is that despite my depression of the non-clinical type, despite my loneliness, despite my bitterness and cynicism, I am, as the Cyberdyne model T-101 cybernetic organism might say, unable to self-terminate. I don’t know if it’s a matter of time, but something tells me that I will, as usual, find coping mechanisms. Perhaps something will renew my hope.
Anyone who’s interested in the topic of suicide should definitely check on the Internet for some very useful materials. Personally, if I had someone close to me mention suicide, the first thing I would do is hit Amazon with a one-day shipping order of a bunch of books about suicide. As simple and short as they are, here’s two links I found to be quite insightful.
