I cannot self-terminate

Here in the United States, every sixteen minutes, another life is exter­mi­nated by means of suicide. That comes out to more than 32,000 people. Why do people commit suicide? I really don’t know, but perhaps I can sympa­thize. Consid­ering that this is publicly viewable, I want to preface this post by saying: No, this is not some emo bullshit. I do not listen to emo music, I do not have long hair, and I do not sport an androg­ynous style of tight black jeans and tiny T-shirts. I don’t do drugs, take pills, or slit my wrists. This is NOT a call for help, and I will be fine.

I took a very refreshing walk with Luanne today. I absolutely love the cold, as long as I’m properly equipped: long coat, scarf, gloves, I’m good to go. It really made me feel alive. Breathing in the sharpness of the cold air, the wind whisking past my reddened ears…I could stand out in this weather for hours. Luanne on the other hand could barely feel her fingers, despite all her layers. I guess I have better circu­lation: all I had under­neath my long coat was a dress shirt.

I had mistakenly mentioned my suicidal thoughts to Luanne in an email I had written to her. Or perhaps Freud would interpret that as not a mistake but an uncon­scious call for help. Either way, the topic came up when I was talking with her during our walk.

The conver­sation was fruitless, my mind unchanged. It was what I expected. People have very predictable avenues of discussion when talking about suicide. They will often say how much there is to live for. They will note how others have it worse, how there are people less fortunate: those with medical condi­tions, disabil­ities, financial diffi­culties, all of that crap. I’ve heard the same from many others. Not that I don’t appre­ciate her efforts, she’s a wonderful friend God bless her. And I know most people don’t under­stand how to deal with suicidal people. At times, I wish I didn’t have such an intu­itive grasp of psychology. I know what it is I need, and when you have to say to yourself, “Suicide is not an option, all I need is sympathy,” it sounds rather pathetic. I would prefer to be ignorant of the reasons and moti­va­tions, it makes it all more bearable.

I was thinking about going into the specific reasons why I went down the path of suicide. Then I realized that it wasn’t so much a list of reasons why but an amal­ga­mation of emotions and views about the world on a whole. Spec­i­fying particular argu­ments is asinine: each of those argu­ments are debatable and is accom­panied with an opposing view­point. Suicide is not a logical choice, it is an emotional movement guided by prolonged periods of pain, intense lone­liness, the feeling of isolation…I feel that the world is a place of darkness, the pain only dulled briefly with distrac­tions of enter­tainment. That was the reason I couldn’t really debate my position with Luanne.

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