I come to all of you with my hanging head bowed down, shoulders slumped…I have a very dirty and shameful secret. It is about my filthy habit. Just now, I spent an hour engaging in an incredibly depraved act of self-indulgence, an act that has no other purpose but pleasure and self-love. I was lured into such an act through email solicitations, the type that incites fantasies about women. As I was doing this, I kept telling myself to stop. I knew it was against my convictions and values. I just couldn’t stop though. For whatever reason, perhaps curiosity, the urge to fill a void in my life…whatever the reason, I just kept going through the motions. And then finally, when I was done, I shook my head. I felt so disgraceful, my honor had been tainted. I had broken the pact I made with myself.
Hi. My name is Wistful Writer, and I am addicted to Internet dating.
As we all know, I have deemed Internet dating to be nothing much but a scam. Okay, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but it doesn’t really work the way it was meant to. I made a pact with myself: I will not return to the world of online dating. With the strength of my convictions on such matters, it would reason that I would just leave the damn thing alone. Alas, that is not the case.
Every so often, I will receive emails from the various dating sites that I have long since abandoned. Match.com emails me monthly about my new matches, Chemistry very occasionally lets me know of some gal’s new profile, and eHarmony periodically sends me a flood of hopeful emails with names and some boilerplate profiles based on their questionnaire, written to sound as if they were written by the lady herself.
So considering that I am still single, still alone, still lonely…and still intermittently looking, these solicitous emails are rather tempting. These emails reinject the idea of romance into my life. They throw me off balance. It appeals to the hopeless romantic in me that says, “You just never know, your One True Love could be waiting for you right now.” When I wake up, the first thing I do is check my email on my iPhone. And when you have six to eight emails from eHarmony telling you about all these ladies who have been matched up with you, it’s a little hard to ignore them. Curiosity takes over. I open the email, and then I start reading about Annette from New York City who’s 20 years old and 5’2″. She likes spending time watching movies and eating in and some of her best qualities include being able to create romance in a relationship, caring for her partner, and being optimistic. All these green lights light up, giving me a green to go. I wonder what she looks like, what she’d be like on our first date. My mind wanders through the rosy hallways of potential romance, indulging in fanciful imagination.
In some ways, it’s even worse when I do start participating during free communication weekends. I just go through the motions just to see if I will get a response. And that violates my sense of discretion: I do not want to act as though online dating is a game. It is not a numbers game, it never was. Yet here I am, sending out communication requests to a hundred women, even though I invested no more than a glance at their profiles. Granted the response rate is usually close to nil, I still should not operate with such a point of view.
Ultimately, I do not want to get sucked back into the world of online dating. Six months that bore no results convinced me that online dating is a very expensive and fruitless endeavor. Of course you can’t really put a price on the possibility of finding the soulmate who you’ll marry and spend the rest of your life with, but between this economy and my already shaky finances, Internet dating just doesn’t seem very valuable to me at the moment.
Even so, using these dating sites feels almost like an addiction. I always feel that temptation to return. And every time there is a solicitation, I consider it, if but for a brief moment. Sometimes I start to entertain the idea. And then I read my articles again…I remind myself that Internet dating doesn’t work. I remind myself that being alone may be hard, but it is neither impossible nor unbearable. I will find solace in my solitude, all over again.
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As a long time reader, I’ve noticed that this is a dominant theme in your blog. I think I’ve stated this before, in another comment I’ve left, but the topic of “love” and relationships are remote from my usual intellectual interests. Nonetheless, I’ve arrived at some interesting insights in reading all this.
I think you might be a bit misled in your conviction that internet dating is a “scam.” I think you’d be right if you said that internet dating doesn’t work for a good deal of people, but I don’t think that would warrant calling the entire business a scam. I think you’re right, in concluding that its generally a waste of your time and money though.
Based on reading your blog, I’m aware that you invest a great deal of energy in cultivating your ego- that is, you seem to value the non-physical attributes that make you unique compared to others. I don’t think I’d be wrong in asserting that you value that something, colloquially known as “personality.”
Here is where I think internet dating is misleading. Internet dating is about exactly the opposite and it is with this misunderstanding, that people probably get duped into playing the game. My assertion here, is that personality has absolutely little to nothing to do with internet dating. In psychology (as a Psych major, I think you might be familiar with this,) personality is distinguished from other attributes such as values. In fact, there’s a huge difference between personality traits and value traits.
Your emphasis, I’ve noticed, is largely on values. In psychological studies, value assessment is important and show good correlation with behavior, but when people speak of personality in dating, I’m not sure if values, or hobbies and interests are a good indicator of personality. That is, traits like those of the Big Five, or whatever other trait system. Lets say, hypothetically, we have someone called Mike, whose hobbies and interests include guns, bombs and blowing things up. But then you meet Mike in person, and he turns out to be a real gentle guy that maybe smiles in a certain charming way.
My contention here, is that no matter what one writes about themselves on the internet, it is ultimately a poor indicator of personality. Personality is something best assessed from real life interaction, over an extended period of time. Truth is, you really have no idea what to expect based on reading a superficial profile of someone, no matter how dedicated they are in writing it- it does not tell you for example, how extraverted they are, their openness, their conscientiousness, their attachment style, etc.
So if personality is not what “sells” in the internet dating game, what is it? It’s almost certainly looks and the physical. I think people participate in internet dating with raised expectations and standards, in addition to those already existent in normal, everyday life- because why would someone go out of their way to meet someone substandard on the internet, while paying for it? Speaking for myself, and presumably others, I would not sign up to pay whatever it is that internet dating sites charge, to find anyone who isn’t “hot.”
But lets assume that suppose, that there’s been a great deal of effort put in by personality psychologists in assessing people’s personality and compatibility with others based on good, solid theory and that it really does work, you’d still have to be part of a small, priveledged minority in order to have much success.
Here’s an article I found particularly informative: http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/view/37082
The little study they there, is pretty interesting. If height matters that much- then factor in the other parameters and the probability of success is lowered even more. In fact, with the resources, I could probably devise a function for determining one’s success with output as an percentage, but I don’t think the dating services would like that very much.
The truth it seems, is that looks are extremely important, and I would argue, far more important online than in person. Of everyone that signs up, we can assume that its only a small minority who are successful; the priviledged few- 6’3 tall, handsome, built, successful white guys.
Unfortunately for the author, he doesn’t seem very well versed in the theory of evolution, or he’d know that there’s a good deal of support coming from that area on why certain traits are selected for. The only thing that I think falls outside of that kind of analysis (though in the extreme, you could call this mate choice copying) is the Asian parameter. It’s pretty clear to me that this is instead, cultural rather than in the strict conventional biological sense. I am, surprised, that you haven’t brought this sort of thing up, given your interest in movies. Us Asian American guys are highly underrepresented in the media and its somewhat fustrating at times, at least to me.
But yeah, life is unfair, and I don’t say this to discourage you (or anyone,) but there isn’t someone for everyone. Realistically, there isn’t someone for everyone, and well, thats how natural selection works.
Now, I know you think dating is a sham. But given what I’ve said, I think actual, real dating might be a place for you to start, rather than sulking around (I assume that is what you are doing based on the tone of your writings, I’m sorry if you aren’t.) I’ve noticed that you have propensity for romanticization of stuff, so perhaps you should view it as a personal struggle against an unjust world or something (lol,) whatever works for you. My personal opinion is that, you, like most people, including myself, would do much better dating in person.
Firstly, let me say that you’re right on the money my friend. What you’ve put forth is quite a revelation. I never did examine Internet dating all that closely, I only write about my reactions and how things ought to be. I think you’ve pretty much made the most convincing argument against online dating as a viable alternative for hopeless romantics. I’ll be referencing your comment in an upcoming post.
I use the word scam very loosely. I don’t mean that these dating sites are out to grab your money and run away with it. But take all of the implications that you’ve uncovered about Internet dating. Sites like eHarmony and Chemistry.com are far more about the personality, enlisting PhD’s and hundred-question surveys to ensure compatibility on a level deeper than the physical. You helped me see very clearly that despite the focus on one’s personality, success on these sites is still largely dependent on physical attributes. So people are coming to these sites that are geared more towards romantics, and they are still stuck in a world where looks are the color of the day. So in my eyes, Internet dating is a scam not because of the business owners or the way its run, but because of the subscribers who use the site.
As for the Asian American angle, well, I have enough issues with the world, no need to bring up race issues. And to be completely honest, in the interest of anonymity, I never wrote on the topic. To me, writing is writing, words are words, and romance is romance, no matter the color of your skin or the flag you salute. I think in a more vague and universal sense. But now that you mention it, I do share those same frustrations. Let’s just be glad that Harold of Harold & Kumar is helping to pave the way lol. By the way, that article you linked to didn’t explain anything except for height. The title is misleading: typical sensationalism.
Anyway,you are right to suggest that I engage in the dating ritual in person and in real life. From experience, observation, and education, these things are much better done with face-to-face interaction. As I tried to express in this post, I’ve given up on Internet dating, though I admit that the temptation to return is there.
There’s only one problem. You see, in a tragic twist perpetuated by my own foolish and unbending romanticism and idealism, I never feel the compulsion to approach a woman. Why? I know nothing about her. Because I don’t place much value on physical attributes. What compels me to know a woman is her values: I like a woman with strength and loyalty, who has a firm belief in family and all that good stuff. You don’t find these things out by looking at someone. That is why online dating appeals to me. Front and center for display are not a woman’s breasts and hips or the way she moves or the way she flirts, no. Front and center are her values and what she believes in, things I find to be far more important than the details listed on her driver’s license.
Sulking around is a bit strong (no offense taken) lol. But it’s certainly reasonable to envision that from what I write. Just for clarification’s sake, my writing is not some form of bitching, moaning, or complaining. The world is unfair, good people die, bad guys win, nice guys finish last, and all that bullshit: I know it, I accept it. I’m not sitting around feeling sorry for myself and expecting the world to be handed to me on a silver platter. Rather, my writing is my statement that the world is full of idiocy, and that despite all of that, I still hold on to a small semblance of faith that there are transcendent men and women out there who will examine their lives and realize what is truly good for them, who will then go out and find a truly special romance that lasts their entire lives. My writing is my stand against all that is wrong with the world. Simply put, I am on my own little crusade against Internet dating. Otherwise, I’m satisfied with life for the most part. It’s not like I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I had a girlfriend lol
Always great to hear your thoughts friend.